I WAS DRINKING AT A BAR SO I TOOK A BUS HOME. THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL TO YOU, BUT I'VE NEVER DRIVEN A BUS BEFORE.

I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD; I'M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

INSTEAD OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".

PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

IF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, WHY DO CHURCHES BEG FOR IT?